death and old age

isn't it sad..to know that when we grow old...we either die peacefully in our sleep...or we lose our ability to do everything, and we sit around everyday waiting for our death day to come? that's what henny went through...and i guess that's what my grandma's going through too...much as i dislike her...i think it's sad to have to live the last years of your life in this way. not being able talk, walk, or eat...it's as good as being dead. all of a sudden i fear death...what happens to us after we die? how does it feel to be cremated? ....how does dying feel like?? ...have you ever made a list of the people whom you think would cry for you at your funeral?...or who would even attend your funeral?...how many lives have you touched in your living days? would you die in grace...or would you die in shame? at your funeral...would people say..."she was just such a fine person...what a pity that she's gone"...or would people say..."there..the world's rid of yet another pest"...?

before death comes old age...having to grow old is the scariest thing on earth...it's even scarier than death..than walking through a haunted house...or lizards :P... i always have this sinking feeling in me when i see old people sitting around without any other aim in their lives. as i sat in the restaurant observing a group of old men and women (all of them are at least 70 yrs old)...i smiled at the fact that though they are old,they are still able to go on a holiday...sit around eating and chatting happily with each other...but yet deep inside...there was this indescribable sadness as i looked at their wrinkled faces, white hair, thin frail frames and hunched backs. it's nice to be old and happy...but it's just sad to be old.

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i'm such a weakling...i crumble so easily...it's only been two days..and i feel it creeping back again...i'm not determined enough...